Oh how I dream of life before autism.
Life before worries about my boy’s future.
When every day was enjoyed, carefree and full of dreams. When the future seemed bright and hopeful. When we just assumed, that our boy would be like anyone else. That his life would be full of joys such as birthday parties, friendships and play.
I never wanted to be part of the autistic mum-club. I never wanted to have to look up and do the research what schools best can support my disabled boy. I never wanted to learn sign language or makaton. And still, every morning, I wake up and remember. Remember that Oscar has autism, and that I have no clue in how to best help him. Help us. It hits me, every morning like a punch in the stomach. People say you get used to it, but I am not used to it, yet.
Life before autism was carefree and naive. I complained about lack of sleep and how tired I was, and now I think that I would swap any amount of sleepless nights just to not have to worry about my boy’s future.
I spend hours of my time worrying, debating, thinking ‘Will he be ok?’. We are just at the very beginning of our autism-journey. We have no idea if he ever will talk, make conversation, have friends, go to mainstream or special school.
I long for conversation, for him to talk to me, to tell me about what he likes, to hear the word ‘mummy’.
I long for understanding. I want to scream to the rest of the world that I AM IN PAIN because my child has just been diagnosed with autism, and yet no one gets it and no one will ever get it if they have not been in my shoes. I want people to understand that I am not all that strong and that everything changed that day when we found out. At the same time I feel that I should cope better, that I should not be this sad, angry and hurt because people go through a lot worse.
I try my best to stay strong. To stay positive. To listen to everyone who tells me that Oscar’s progress is very good. And that I should not worry. But still, isn’t it our job, as parents, to worry?
I just never anticipated that I would worry about the things I worry about.