Perfection with a twist

My first born son came in to this world on the 16th June 2013. It was a slow, and long from straight forward labour. And I remember so clearly, thinking the first time I saw him, that he was perfect. Utter perfection. It surprised me somehow, that I had made this baby. This perfect baby. We named him Oscar and he quickly got the nickname Oscy, or Poscy as we like to call him. 

Oscy was the most gorgeous baby I had ever known. He was smiley, he liked people, he never ever slept and was just so excitable at all times. I loved being a mum – I loved being his mum.

Oscar did everything he was “supposed to”. He learn to sit up, and crawl. He took his first unaided steps at 14 months. He learnt a few words which he would repeat – one of them was shoe. He used to say “die” instead of “bye” and I remember finding it rather funny.

But he never learn anymore words than that. And when his baby brother arrived when Oscar was 19 months, Oscar changed. He became quiet, withdrawn. Completely uninterested in his brother. It would break my heart when I saw pictures of siblings holding hands or hugging and kissing, Oscar completely ignored his baby brother. I used to joke and tell other mums that he probably wouldn’t care if we left his brother in the park. He got terrible jealous and started hitting and scratching as soon as his brother made the slightest noise, my arms were covered in marks from Oscars aggression, and the days were taken over by trying to stop Oscar from attacking his brother. 

His speech didn’t develop and I started noticing that Oscar didn’t play like his peers. I tried not to worry and everyone told me not to, but I could not completely ignore the feeling that my little boy was struggling and I was at loss at how to help him.

The 29th of January 2016 my perfect boy was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It was, even though I had suspected it for months, an utter shock to my husband and me. The following months were hard. Harder than anything I’ve ever had to go through. There was anger, anger towards the doctors who diagnosed him and anger towards the whole world. It took me months to accept it, and months to change the way I looked at the world “autism”.

The thing with autism is that you can’t see it. Oscar looks completely normal to most people. I used to say that there is nothing wrong with him – and there isn’t. He is still my perfect boy. Perfect with a twist. This blog will be a place for me to write about his progress, and how I as a mum learn to help my boy in the best possible way. There will be no photos of his face here, as I would like to keep him anonymous.